I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Randomize
