Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
love makes seman taste better
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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