So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
So squirting runs in the family.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Randomize
