I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Randomize
