yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
