I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
