I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
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