She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Randomize
