I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
