eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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