i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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