don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
