but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
