ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
