If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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