I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
This is my gift to your gina
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
