Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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