Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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