You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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