Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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