Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
