the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Randomize
