So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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