it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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