I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
