i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
