I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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