The best revenge is premature balding
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
