Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
