john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
