having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
They have beer where we have blood.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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