she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
