i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
