i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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