I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
