I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
