so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
