I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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