Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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