its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Randomize
