but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
