tonight lets celebrate not being married
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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