By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
