im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
