I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
