Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Never underestimate the power of titties
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
