And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
