You just made me feel so damn special
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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