Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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