I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
