the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
